What will Happen?

Ok,this is vent stage for some very old material.It's about drink exersize competitiveness,sol vs team:control
Things are better in the anger place but the same old patterns emerse me.For example,last night,Olivia and I came back from having our toe nails done It was 5:30 I had soup on the stove and it helped create a warm cosy in control atmosphere.I had a beer. we decided to go up to the tent where The 1500 has cocktails nightly.I took another light beer.We had a wee visit with our friends from Moonshadow,Monica and Paul.We came back.We see Olivia entertaining everyone at the table with her computer as she riffed through her You tube faves as they have small bowls of soup-(which no one raved in equal proportion to the preparatory input,oh well.)This is the thing, I would have had a big bowl but I had made it with a big fatty hambone. I love the texture of thick peas soup and I did have tastes of the wonderfully flavored brew.BUT! Oh no,can't eat much more BUT I eat and eat all night till finally I just must brush my teeth cuz Im falling asleep watching downloaded 30 Rock on my computer.And earlier,my idea,we open a bottle of red wine as everyone pours drinks for a good-clear the computer off the table-game of Oh Hell,play cards,must drink and eat.I was self regulating,taking cues from my hot red face.Still,I went to my room instead of watching,Mrs Doubtfire with everyone else.
So why why can't I really face what ever it is that the snacking merely cloaks in a thin gause!? I try hard not to beat myself up,picture the massive fat but and cellulite thighs physics will reign and unveil.I mean:
I've cut out 3days(150 km) of cycling a week and often, if we are underway,skip a run.So,eat,drink,reduce physical output by50 percent
You do the math
So Im feeling stupid this morning because I got up at6:30 as usual to meditate,do yoga.It was too cold to do yoga ,so I sat my meditation attempt,OK,practice and considered a run,but no,too cold,somehow reluctant to push and run days in a row.So damn,Im the only one who is sleep deprived and here I am awake sleepy and my necks beginning to ache.I know this won't begin my day with the verve I need.
I'm letting go,I am .I don't feel mad all the time.I have succumbed to this new glove I wear on my real self .I constantly look around and marvel at the glove others wear,as that is all I can see.How do they feel comfortable in their skins?
It's hard too when you try so hard to make a shift,try and change the glove and your family still sees you ,a blue print in their mind as before.
I guess we are many parts many costumes
What do I do when Im eating cherrios in bed when I really want to eat popcorn but I can't cuz Id have to cook the corn then Id have to share and Id spend all night shaking a pot ?

Risk apparent lunacy,wear a smile when you walk to town

OK,this is the blog Ive carried in my head for a couple of years now,originally named,The Red Tent,after the biblical time novel about nomadic woman who spend there time together during their periods in a big red tent.No boys allowed. So,it's a blog for complaints.
Everytime I go,"coo-coo", I always want to decifer,why? partly in apoligy to whoever,partly to make sence of my misery or outburst of toxic nasty spew. On this trip we're on,which I guess i should eplain,it's not just full moon or hormones,or a specific incident,I have found it's just me,reacting.So am I saying so far that this blog is for my own personal growth!? Therefore is it just a narssisstic exersize to blog about it. Hey,I know enough to note that Im not the only one to use a blog this way. My response is this, I have a blog about this trip and I want to keep it a focused story or series of short narratives about where we are and what is our current excitement/drama.
I fel the need to express more.The struggle. It's about the struggle.We are on a catamaran,2 teenagers , e-school attempts,chores,constant togetherness,fluid change and a daily attempt to keep a semblance of order.We need to get things done.It's like a new society;government,infrastructures school,culinary department,cleaning department,navigation,diesel engines,Internet wifi,phone cards,who does what!?
This is the thing;it's my dear husband,Davids dream.He wants this.He made it happen.The kids like the concept ,it was on every grade3 bucket list,I found them when I was moving out of our home.They like the sailing but they fight daily about the jobs.We are all ADD,academically challenged. It IS my room 101 to have anything to do with helping my children ,to do any kind of scholastic work. it just does not work. It is truly like trying to mix oil and water.
I need these pages to express the feelings ,some physical,all very painful as my buttons a pushed every hour everyday.
I signed up for this,I believe in this in the metaphysical big picture of lifes journey.To surrender to something that is not your dream, is an opportunity.The STRUGGLE is the medium in which to really push growth,it's so painful that I have pictured my own death in more than one desperate day dream .The agony I can feel in my gut,my chest,my temples.
So,that's what this is