Ok,this is vent stage for some very old material.It's about drink exersize competitiveness,sol vs team:control
Things are better in the anger place but the same old patterns emerse me.For example,last night,Olivia and I came back from having our toe nails done It was 5:30 I had soup on the stove and it helped create a warm cosy in control atmosphere.I had a beer. we decided to go up to the tent where The 1500 has cocktails nightly.I took another light beer.We had a wee visit with our friends from Moonshadow,Monica and Paul.We came back.We see Olivia entertaining everyone at the table with her computer as she riffed through her You tube faves as they have small bowls of soup-(which no one raved in equal proportion to the preparatory input,oh well.)This is the thing, I would have had a big bowl but I had made it with a big fatty hambone. I love the texture of thick peas soup and I did have tastes of the wonderfully flavored brew.BUT! Oh no,can't eat much more BUT I eat and eat all night till finally I just must brush my teeth cuz Im falling asleep watching downloaded 30 Rock on my computer.And earlier,my idea,we open a bottle of red wine as everyone pours drinks for a good-clear the computer off the table-game of Oh Hell,play cards,must drink and eat.I was self regulating,taking cues from my hot red face.Still,I went to my room instead of watching,Mrs Doubtfire with everyone else.
So why why can't I really face what ever it is that the snacking merely cloaks in a thin gause!? I try hard not to beat myself up,picture the massive fat but and cellulite thighs physics will reign and unveil.I mean:
I've cut out 3days(150 km) of cycling a week and often, if we are underway,skip a run.So,eat,drink,reduce physical output by50 percent
You do the math
So Im feeling stupid this morning because I got up at6:30 as usual to meditate,do yoga.It was too cold to do yoga ,so I sat my meditation attempt,OK,practice and considered a run,but no,too cold,somehow reluctant to push and run days in a row.So damn,Im the only one who is sleep deprived and here I am awake sleepy and my necks beginning to ache.I know this won't begin my day with the verve I need.
I'm letting go,I am .I don't feel mad all the time.I have succumbed to this new glove I wear on my real self .I constantly look around and marvel at the glove others wear,as that is all I can see.How do they feel comfortable in their skins?
It's hard too when you try so hard to make a shift,try and change the glove and your family still sees you ,a blue print in their mind as before.
I guess we are many parts many costumes
What do I do when Im eating cherrios in bed when I really want to eat popcorn but I can't cuz Id have to cook the corn then Id have to share and Id spend all night shaking a pot ?
